Lingering Still
by unbearablelightness
Summary: Jess finally gets real with Nick.
1. Chapter 1

_I like to learn things slow_

_I like learning a lot_

_I like to get it all again _

_And in the end you know you get what you got_

"Lingering Still" She & Him

Things always seemed to come back to Nick.

Nick Miller: pessimist, roommate, king of sarcasm. Jess had taken a liking to him since her very first week living with the guys. Nick firmly rooted himself in Jess's good graces when he led Schmidt and Coach in a rendition of _Time of My Life_ after she'd been stood up at the restaurant.

He could be sweet and considerate and extremely thoughtful.

Jess liked this about him. She trusted him; he trusted her. They were pals, buddies, confidantes. Jess knew, of course, that they were something more than that. Perhaps it was all born out of Cece's analysis of Jess's relationship with Nick, but Jess felt something _more. _

_Just a little bit more._

She was attracted to him. Physically, she found rugged handsome looks appealing. He was low maintenance and she appreciated that. Her attraction, though, transcended his appearance. The more she got to know him, listen to him, talk to him, the more she was attracted to him. But it was a different sort of attraction – it was less a physical desire and more an emotion connection and respect.

And that was where it stood.

She was ok with that.

Jess had never really explored beyond that, truly. Yes, she'd seen him naked. Yes, she almost engaged in a threesome with him. Yes, he'd given her a Christmas gift that was incredibly kind. Yes, his feet pointed at her when he spoke. Yes, he'd told her that he really liked her a lot.

Those things were all important and mattered to Jess, but to take the next step and try to put those instances into the context of a romantic pursuit didn't seem necessary. They each had relationships come and go, but a little nugget of affection for the other always remained.

Theirs was a relationship that was slow-burning.

And Jess liked it that way.

Of course, Nick put out the flame more hastily than Jess expected.

_Tbc.._


	2. Chapter 2

_I like to mean what I say_

_But it don't always come through_

_Cause if I say it all again, again, again_

_It doesn't make it more true_

-Lingering Still, She & Him

He'd break her heart before she even knew that he was able to. But all of this happened first: 

April 6, 2012

A Friday night rolled before them. Nick was working, Schmidt was at home with his MacBook propped on his lap, and Winston was at Shelby's. The weeks were long at the end of the school year. Jess was more than happy to sit on the couch with Schmidt looking through travel books she'd checked out at the library.

"Do you think I should stay national or venture into the international?"

Jess thumbed through the thick books, glanced over brochures. She was elated.

"I mean, L.A is obviously a cool place, you know? But look at this…" She showed Schmidt a page titled _Viva Venezuela. _"There's a whole other side of the equator I haven't explored!"

"Jess, I'm trying to find a good link to stream last week's American Idol, would you _please _just plan your holiday in silence?" Schmidt was chewing on his bottom lip ferociously. "Stupid SOPA."

"It's not a holiday, Schmidt. It's a two-month move, okay? We're talking Jess Day, hostel-livin', country-jumpin', doing her _thang _across South America!"

"_I can't believe MegaVideo is gone_."

Jess sighed. "Alright well we are clearly on two different levels of excitement here, Schmidt. Why don't you just buy off of iTunes?"

At the moment Schmidt gave her a pointed, irritated glare, Winston walked in. Dishevelled.

It was 10 pm. "You're home early!" Jess checked her cell phone for the time. "I thought you were with Shelby for the night?"

Without looking up from his computer, Schmidt said: "I told you man, you always want to start with foreplay to avoid embarrassing instances like that. Had you done a little rub-rub before the main event, you wouldn't be here for another hour. Maybe two, tops."

Jess cringed. "Ignore him, Winston. Is everything okay?"

At this, Winston scoffed. He tore around the kitchen, opening cupboards, until he found a bottle of rye. He took a long swig, coughed, and attempted another sip. Wiping his mouth, he looked at Jess. "Shelby dumped me."

"What! Oh Winston, I'm so sorry!"

.

Winston attempted two more swigs of rye before Schmidt suggested a real bar, with real drinks. Everyone agreed. The three of them, in Schmidt's manbulence, drove to the only bar they ever frequented. The one place where drinking Winston out of a slump wouldn't cost an arm and a leg.

Nick's bar.

.

They sat at the wood. Winston, already a little buzzed, explained what happened. Nick listened, feigning the pretense that he was still working by buffing a rag across the bar top.

"I mean, she just said it, man. _I can't see you anymore_. Just like that!"

Winston was composed, a little dragged down, but not tearful. He was more confused than anything. He continued on to tell the same portion of the story in a variety of different ways. Jess, Schmidt and Nick acted sympathetic with each retelling.

Nick poured a vodka soda for Schmidt, a rye and Coke for Winston, and a rose wine for Jess. There was something giddily sweet that Nick knew their favorite beverages. Something sweeter, even, when Jess said thank you and Nick gave her an awful genuine smile for a bartender.

.

Winston's composure soon melted into hysteria. They'd moved from the wood to a booth and were surrounded by empty shot glasses. Neither Schmidt nor Jess drank to excess too often; Schmidt, claiming the carbs weren't worth it, Jess, because she had always been designated the rescuer. She took care of Cece. She took care of Spencer. She instinctively took care of anyone who's emotions got the best of them when they were drinking.

Tonight, though, had been different. She and Schmidt had happily accepted the various shots that Winston ordered. By closing time, she had a lovely buzz going and was thoroughly engrossed in Winston's retelling of his days as a Latvian basketball star.

Jess was intrigued, always wanting to gather more information to better plan her summer escape.

"It's going to be _awesome_." Jess cheered, swirling her wine glass. "Art and history and culture! I love he kids in my class, but if I need something adult to balance out all the macaroni art, you know?" 

"Your kids do macaroni art? Aren't they like, eleven?"

"Shhh, Winston." Jess purred, rolling her eyes. "Yes, no, the art they do is actually quite provocative and daring. I'm just saying that I want to see temples and ancient art. Is that so much to ask?"

"Not too much! To Jess!" Schmidt raised his glass, "And her Latin adventures!"

They drank.

"Latin adventures, hey?" Nick joined them, sliding into the booth. The bar had emptied and he was closing down. He started wiping the table.

"Um, yes," Jess nodded. She was drunk. "I am going to take a little trip this summer!"

Nick's wiping slowed. "The whole summer?"

"Um," Jess shrugged. She felt uncomfortable. Something about the surprise and hesitance in Nick's voice… and was that a trace of disappointment? "Yeah for two months. No tickets are bought yet though."

Schmidt cleared his throat. Was the sudden tension that palpable?

Winston prompted a response from Nick: "It's great, huh? For her?"

Nick nodded. "No, yeah, that's awesome." He slid out of the booth, finished wiping. He seemed agitated. "So, sorry, when did you decide this?"

Jess looked up at Nick. In the warm buzz of intoxication she sensed a discomfort on Nick's behalf. A look of panic, with an attempt to conceal his emotions by cleaning.

Jess was not sober. She did not stop to ponder these looks of Nick's too long. She didn't see the point. He'd given her looks like that before, looks of semi-panic and semi-hurt, and nothing had amounted from it. So she answered Nick with shy confidence: "I've been thinking about it for a while. No better time than now, right?"

"Carpe diem, girlfriend." Schmidt raised his glass again. "_Dead Poets Society_? Am I right?"

"I mean, there's nothing really keeping me here, right?"

Jess nearly gasped at her own words when Nick's face fell. He bobbed his head, his face in its typical turtle frown, and gave her a thumbs up. "Well cool." And he moved on to the next table, giving it a half-assed wipe. He hurried back to the wood to empty the dishwasher.

.

A drunken cab ride landed the three of them back in the loft. They had wanted to wait up for Nick to finish closing, but he'd insisted that they head home.

Jess unbuttoned her jacket. Her head was spinning. Mulling over a glass of water and a multivitamin, Jess stood leaned up against the counter in the kitchen. She asked Schmidt: "Do you think that was rude of me to tell Nick that there was nothing worth staying in Los Angeles for this summer?"

Schmidt pondered this. He unscrewed the cap of his Chinese herb vitamins and gave her a shrug. "I'd say harsh, yes, rude no." He popped the vitamin in his mouth. "His face _did _look like Tara Reid's stomach, though."

Jess frowned.

"I don't even what to make of that response." Jess sighed.

Winston came into the room, dialling on his phone, cutting of Schmidt's response of: "He was probably caught off guard that _he _was not a reason in your – Winston are you _calling _Shelby? You must hang up the phone this instant!"

Jess ran after Winston, trying to grab his phone from his head. She let her close-reading of Nick's reaction drift to the back of the mind. She went to bed feeling dissatisfied and slightly apprehensive.

She woke up feeling the same way. And a touch hungover. It was Saturday, she had nothing to do other than meet Cece for dinner. But that wasn't until eight o'clock, so Jess rolled over in her bed, put on her glasses and laid there, her head throbbing.

.

She stayed in bed until eleven o'clock, letting her stream of consciousness guide take her thoughts wherever it wanted. She thought about Paul fleetingly, wondering what it was that had gone wrong there. Why weren't her feeling keeping up with his? She saw him at school from time to time and he'd always been perfectly nice to her, even after their horrible break up at Schmidt's Christmas party.

She was an adult woman. Almost thirty years old, but her dating life felt like it was twenty. Things with Russell hadn't felt right, either. He, too, was kind, sweet, sophisticated. He was a man who knew himself, knew what he wanted. And he'd wanted Jess, at least for a little bit. She'd liked him, too, but when he told her, apologetically, that he still had feelings for his ex-wife, Jess wasn't too heartbroken.

It had barely ruffled her, actually. She _did _vow, though, to avoid men from her school for the next while.

Nick came into her mind next. If she didn't have some seed of affection for him, something in the pit of her gut that was drawn to him, she wouldn't have obsessed over word choice the night before. It hadn't bothered Schmidt or Winston that she was leaving, so for it to have elicited a reaction from Nick meant something.

Right?

Jess confirmed that yes, it did.

She was thirty years old. She didn't want to waft around in such doubt anymore.

.

No one appeared to be around. The kitchen was clean, the breakfast dishes put away and the counters wiped. On the kitchen table was a hardcover copy of _The LonelyPlanet Guidebook:_ _South America on a Shoestring_.

She touched the book. No note, no receipt. Jess sat down on the couch and opened it up.

She read until the front door swung open and Winston and Nick walked in, wearing sweats and bouncing a basketball. "Hey Jess." Winston dribbled the ball into the kitchen and pulled out two beers. He handed one to Nick.

Jess closed her book and hugged it to her chest. She turned around to face Nick and Winston in the kitchen. They sat at the island drinking out of green bottles. "How you feeling today Winston?" She glanced briefly at Nick. He was totally neutral, interested to hear Winston's answer.

"So-so. I've made it, what, twenty four hours?" He took a swig of his beer.

"Good progress." Jess nodded. Nick agreed, downing the last of his bottle.

"Alright, I'm going to shower. Fifteen minutes and then we'll go get lunch?" Nick started moving toward the bathroom.

"Aw cute, you guys are going out for lunch?"

Winston nodded, heading to his bedroom to change. "Taco cart by the park. We were going to get them after our game but conveniently we both forgot our wallets."

Nick scowled.

Jess looked down at the _LonelyPlanet. _She didn't want to waft in doubt. Leaping up, Jess ran to the bathroom before Nick could step in the shower. He was still dressed, hunched over the sink splashing water on his face. The shower was running.

"Nick!"

He startled: "Jesus, Jess!" His eyes zeroed in on the book she held in front of his face.

"Did you buy this for me?" She didn't hesitate or prelude her question with ramble.

Nick scratched his stubble. "Nope, wasn't me, sorry."

"Nick."

He said nothing, just shrugged.

"Come on, why are you lying about it? You bought me a book. That's sweet. Embrace it." Jess flipped it open, showing him her highlighted pages. "I started flipping through it. It's really interesting. Thank you."

"I'm glad you like it."

"So you gave it to me?"

"Yeah, Jess, I bought you the book. So what? I saw it at the store this morning and I thought what the hell, you'll probably get some sort of super parasite if you don't read up before you go."

Jess smiled. "Thanks, Nick."

"Alright now get out, I need to shower."

"Going, going." Jess turned on her heels to leave, and then stopped herself. "You know it's only a vacation, right?"

"What?"

"Like, two months." She took a deep breath.

His face changed, processing this. He looked startled at her even mentioning it. She didn't care. "I'm definitely, definitely coming back." She stared at him hard. "I'm coming right back here."

_Tbc…_


	3. Chapter 3

_And the world's like a science_

_And I'm like a secret_

_And I saw you lingering still, still _

_I saw you lingering still _

_-_Lingering Still, She & Him

She felt like her words mattered. To Jess, her wording was significant. It was meaningful, emotional, and not susceptible to any sort of misinterpretation. She'd meant what she'd said and she assumed Nick got the message. She felt confident, buzzing with adrenaline at her boldness when she'd left the bathroom.

Jess went out for a walk, riding her high.

.

Nick's disposition seemed to have changed. That evening, when Jess had donned her favorite mint green sheaf dress for her dinner with Cece, he'd looked at her with physical approval that he'd done many times before. Dinner with Cece was nice. Long, wine-filled and perfect. Cece confided in Jess about Schmidt, much to Jess's discomfort. It wasn't until Cece said "We're dating" that Jess truly became interested.

They were dating? Her affection toward him was serious enough to want to put a label on it, to secure each other down as monogamous partners who's relationship now meant more than just sex. They had a deeper connection and Jess was frankly shocked to hear it.

"I cannot believe it." Jess was matter of fact. "I mean, truly, this has to be one of the most unbelievable things you've done. And in the last year you dated a man with a face tattoo. So, perspective."

"I know. It's crazy. You don't have to tell me twice." Cece drained her glass of wine. "But it just sort of happened. I guess I denied being around him in public for so long that I started to miss him when he … wasn't there." Cece choked on her own words. "You know, I'm hearing myself say it, but I still can't believe it."

"Well, if you're happy Cece, that's got to be all that matters. It's wild that it's Schmidt that is making you happy, but who's to say that's wrong?"

Cece shrugged. "I am happy."

"Knockin' boots with Schmidt." Jess shrugged too. "I guess that's where the world is right now." They continued dissecting the incredibility that was Schmidt and Cece. Jess found herself swirling in thought, once her initial reaction of shock had worn off. Cece took a chance with Schmidt. She followed her instincts, took a leap of faith, and look where it landed her: giddily explaining her connection with one of Jess's roommates.

Jess never took leaps of faith like that. She played it safe, always, preferring to take her own long path to romance. And if it didn't work out, Jess just chalked it up to fate. She was rarely proactive. Cece had told her that she was never risky or bold with guys.

It was true.

.

Jess thought about instincts on the ride home. Her mind swam in uncovering her basic instincts, and, when she and Cece made the climb upstairs back to the loft for the night, Nick was sitting on the couch watching tv, and she knew.

.

She waited to act. She waited until Cece had knocked on Schmidt's door and invited him out into the living room for an evening night cap with the rest of the group. The five of them sat at the kitchen table, a bottle of wine between them, and chatted casually.

Jess tried to keep at least one eye on Nick. He wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. They were all friends, growing closer, it seemed, as time passed. He nursed his beer, ruffled his hair, poked fun, was his usual light-hearted self.

But Jess couldn't stop herself from thinking beyond him, right at that moment. She did her best to mentally compile a list of all of the times she'd gotten a twinge in her gut, a sign that she was on the right path taking this _thing _– whatever it was – with Nick slowly. She thought back to the photobooth; the time when he'd given her a look of full-on acceptance, highlighted perhaps with a slight stroke of interest.

She looked at him now. He was giving equal attention to everyone, laughing, engaging. She looked at him hard, willing him to look back at her. Nick did. He cocked his head, and said: "What?"

Blushing, Jess said: "Nothing."

And that was that. He accepted it, and the conversation continued.

.

And then she acted. Everyone went their separate ways to go to bed. Jess figured it was a classic scenario: she and Nick putting the wine glasses away in the kitchen, very sitcom-esque opportunity for dialogue. But he didn't give her the chance to work out the lines she was reciting in her head. He said goodnight too quickly and wandered away to his bedroom.

Jess panicked. She literally jogged to Nick's bedroom and rapped continuously on the door. When he answered, she froze. He asked, "what's up?" and furrowed his brow in confusion at her gape-mouthed stare. "Are you stroking out? You've been so weird all night. You didn't have tequila with dinner, did you? You know how weird that makes you."

Jess shook her head. "No, no tequila. And that was mardi gras, ok? Totally justifiable."

"New Orleans has a lot of tequila?"

"Wow, Nick that is not important right now."

"Ok, jeez, sorry. What do you want then?" He looked at his watch. "It's after one. You're going to a bear tomorrow."

Jess shrieked. "God, why do you know so much about me?"

Nick shrugged. "You're cracked. I don't know. I live with you. I notice things about you, ok?"

Jess placed her head in her hands. "Ok. Can I start this interaction all over. I came here to talk about instincts." She took a deep breath. "This all went a little bit more smooth in my head. But ok, instincts, right?"

"Sure, yeah, instincts."

"Basic instincts, even." She rolled her hands, trying to egg him along. "I don't mean like, Michael Douglas _Basic Instinct. _I'm talking about things that… you want to do, instinctually, because it feels like it would be right, but you hold back. You know what I'm getting at?"

"Not at all."

"Ok, let me try a different approach." Jess sighed. "Nick, you bought me a travel book."

"I didn't want you to get -"

"Yeah, I get it. Parasites. Lost. Whatever. But you bought it for me because you care about me, right?"

This made him uncomfortable. He shifted uncomfortably, like the conversation was venturing into territory that was uncomfortable, intimate. "Yes, Jess, I care about you. I've told you that."

Jess rolled her eyes. This was all slipping from her, no longer unravelling in a romantic movie-like sequence. She was flustered, jumbled, and just wanted to tell Nick that she thought she had feelings for him. Jess had more to say, more explaining to do, but she held it in. On a whim, she reached out and rested her arms on Nick's shoulders, middle school dance style, and leaned in to kiss him.

If he was surprised at what she was doing, he didn't hold back. "What? Jess…"

"God, could you at least meet me halfway?"

He did. It one swoop, he kissed her, hard, pulling her into him. She felt small in his grip, swimming, lost in a sea of his body. They kissed with passion that Jess had not anticipated. She had come to his room, totally unsure of what was going, perhaps expecting a sweet, romantic exchange. What she was met with was something entirely different. It was unbridled passion. Nick, holding Jess as close to him as he possibly could, gently tugging her through the doorframe of his bedroom.

Undressing was awkward, sure, but Jess's attempt at explanation was more awkward. With Nick on top of her, sucking on her neck, her collarbone, she tried to explain her basic instincts.

She wriggled, trying to sort her thoughts out in the throes of passion. She didn't say anything, couldn't think with Nick all over her body, thrilling her with every touch. All she could do was look up at him, really stare at him, and grin. He paused, everything slowed, and he grinned softly back at her.

Jess reached up to him, he cupped her face, kissing one another slowly.

_Tbc..._


	4. Chapter 4

It's all just news to me  
>Don't really care if it hurts<br>'Cause if I knock it I won't know it  
>Then I know that it will only get worse<br>He was different at first  
>But then he won't understand<br>Because he's never gonna know me  
>If he doesn't want to just shake my hand<p>

-Lingering Still, She & Him

It unravelled fast. Jess lay in Nick's bed, stark naked, her chest rising and falling slowly. She tried to steady her breath. Her heart was pounding, both from the proximity of her roommate, the way he stared at the ceiling, and the way they had just tore into one another.

She pushed her damp bangs out of her eyes and rolled over to look at Nick. He was stone-faced, his eyes bugged out. He looked sad. Deep in thought, contemplative and utterly sad. Jess opened her mouth to speak, a soft, sweet "Nick" coming out of her mouth, but he cut her off. His words were heavy and thick: "Jess I'm seeing someone."

Jess' entire body tingled and then numbed. Her fingers felt cold and without her consent, tears began to form in her eyes. Tears? She hadn't expected tears. She felt like she was in a dream, a gauzy ghost that wasn't really all there. She realized then that it was probably her cue to get out of Nick's bed. She felt dizzy sitting up, her back sweaty and her flecked with hickeys from Nick not twenty minutes ago.

She didn't know where her clothes were. Scattered around the room. He'd seen her naked more than once, but she felt bashful now.

Jess hadn't said anything, just sat on the corner of Nick's bed. He didn't say anything. She'd taken a risk, tried to listen to her heart and body, and this is where it landed her? Almost an entire year of built of sexual tension between a roommate who, in all ideal situations, would have been in love with her? Who would have given some heartfelt tale of unrequited love, of longing and admiring and pining for her on a daily basis until it was just too much to bear and the stars aligned.

Not today. Nick was silent. He reached over and touched the small of her back. Nick had just been inside her, but this freezing hand on her back felt entirely intimate and invasive now. Jess bolted up, suddenly too embarrassed at the entire situation to remain in Nick's presence, and buck-naked, ran out of his bedroom.

.

He'd broken her heart.

How was that even possible? How did a thread of attraction suddenly snap and leave Jess hidden away in her bedroom?

It had been a year of subtleties. Jess thought that they had meant something. It was a year of little looks, lingering glances, little moments of hurt and shock when the other spoke fondly of a new significant other. Caroline, Paul, Julia and Russell. Relationship ping-pong that Jess had come to believe would end with them setting down the racquets and kissing each other at the end.

She hadn't been crazy, had she? Cece had picked it up. She had noticed, felt the connection and articulated it. Jess had sloughed it off then; she'd felt the potential and wanted to take it slowly. She felt now that she'd ruined it. And he'd ruined it. Together, they'd ruined what had the potential to be something nice. Something that Jess know considered to be worth risking her delicate roommate dynamic for.

.

It was weird. It was utterly stilted between Jess and Nick. Previously, they had been the kinds of friends where comfort was always at the forefront, and they were completely candid with one another. Now, it was weird. They had had sex. Great sex at that. The kind of sex that weakens your knees and makes you contemplate all sorts of love-like emotions. Jess thought about their kiss.

Somewhere along her life's journey her emotional connection and respect for Nick had asked about the physical connection. And she'd answered. With Nick on top of her, they'd kissed with a tenderness that, days later, still made her stomach flutter. The tenderness could not go unnoticed. He was seeing someone else – someone critical enough to kick Jess out of bed for – and he kissed her like that? Jess knew that was not an obligatory casual sex kiss. It was something born out of longing and she'd felt it.

.

Days passed. Angst-filled days for Jess. She listened almost constantly to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart, attempting to add an ironic, light twist to her true grief. Because the truth was, she was sad. It consistently surprised her that she was upset about Nick. But she was.

Jess considered her emotional fragility. Why did she feel like this? Excuse after excuse threaded through her mind until she landed on the honest, bare truth: she had feelings for Nick Miller. Feelings that she'd always assumed were reciprocated, if not initiated. And now, she sat in her room, on April 12, with barely a week having passed since she began planning her summer getaway. She still wanted to go.

She sat in the living room, flipping through page after page of the book Nick had purchased for her. She was deep in an article on Guatemala when there came a knock on the door.

It was an auburn-haired petite woman in a lovely golden dress. She held a case of beer in her hand. She told Jess she was supposed to meet Nick here at five. Jess assumed in was five now and invited the woman inside.

.

It took Nick a half hour to arrive home. In that time, Jess sat with the woman on the couch, sharing a beer from the case she'd brought with her. Her name was Maria, she was a manager of a coffee shop slash bookstore that was just down the street from Nick's bar. She'd been seeing Nick for a couple of weeks. "I mean, everyday I'd go after work for a cocktail. I've almost been consistently drunk these last six weeks. Just trying to find an excuse to hang around the bar, I guess." Maria had a good natured laugh. "Anyway, yeah, finally he asked me out, I was thrilled, and went back to my shop and drank nothing but tea for a week to detox. And so here we are."

Jess had asked her how she and Nick met. That was Maria's answer. Jess responded with a sincere: "That's so sweet" and the two continued to chat.

Nick arrived home. His red flannel from work was rolled up at the sleeves, and he had two cases of wine under his arms. He looked startled at the presence of Maria and Jess in the living room. Jess recalled this discomfort of Nick; he looked as equally uncomfortable when Jess and Julia had been chatting in the living room.

"Maria, hi." She smiled at his greeting and pointed her beer in Jess's direction.

"Hey Nick. Sorry I got here a little early and had a chance to chat with… sorry, I didn't even get your name! What was it?"

"Jess Day."

"You're Jess?"

"I'm Jess. Why?"

.

Jess found out the reason. Maria had practically gasped at the mention of Jess's name. She immediately turned to Nick and asked him if this was the Jess he was talking about.

Talking about? Jess didn't say anything. She felt like slipping out of the room, but she maintained her presence and her confidence.

Nick sighed and set the two boxes of wine on the kitchen counter. "Yes, that's her."

"Who's me?" Jess was wary.

"You _live_ with her?"

"Yeah, I live with her, but I mean, it's not like that."

Maria pointed at Jess. "But she's the one who turned you down?"

Jess raised her hands to stop this. "Stop talking about me like I'm not here. What's going _on_?"

"Nothing, Jess." Nick's tone was sharp. "Look, can you please give Maria and I some privacy?"

Maria scoffed. "She lives here. Where is she going to go?"

.

April 15, 2012

The evening Jess and Nick got together. For real. With no missed connections. Using their words, being candid. Until then, this happened first:

Jess felt like a coward ducking into her own bedroom to escape the conflict between Maria and Nick. She heard nothing. She had put her headphones in and blocked out the noise.

'The one who turned you down'?

Maria's words rang through Jess's ears, louder and clearer than the _Rent _soundtrack she was listening to. Seasons of Love added to the melodrama of the situation. Jess fell asleep that evening in her clothes, listening to the soundtrack on repeat.

That was April 12th. April 13th was an explosive argument between Nick and Jess. She'd gone to work that day, slightly distracted by the events of the past few days. She had yet to talk to Nick, had yet to really look at him in the eyes since he was on top of her. The look in his eyes the night they'd slept together seemed to flash before her eyes constantly, inappropriately so, because she was in a classroom full of children. She tried to distract herself, to engage in her work, but she spent the afternoon showing old clips of Bill Nye episodes from Youtube.

When she'd arrived home that evening, Schmidt was making dinner. He had his Julia Childs cookbook propped open and was listening to Yann Tiersen. "Bonjour Jess!" He greeted her.

"Wow, hey there Schmidt. What are you up to?"

"I'm glad you asked. I'm involved in a little cuisine magic to surprise my petit cheri."

"Oh?" Jess set down her schoolbags and took off her jacket. "And who might thatbe?"

"Jess, Jess, Jess, Jess." He added a bay leaf to whatever was sizzling in a frying pan. "My cheri is Cecilia. My belle."

Jess cooed. As she spoke, Nick walked in, rubbing his showered head with a towel. They exchanged uncomfortable eye contact. Distracted, Jess turned back to Schmidt. "That's really sweet, Schmidt, making Cece dinner."

"I'm not called the love guru for nothing. I am more than a hottie with a body, Jess. Nick, you should learn from me. Please, get a pen, write this down. Women love to be wined and dined. They love to be made to feel important."

Jess rolled her eyes. "This was all very sweet until you spoke. I'm going to let it slide, though, because I believe your motivation to be more than just pretending like you subscribe to those gendered ideas." Jess grabbed a bag of baby carrots from the fridge.

Jess left the kitchen, literally avoiding Nick, stepping around him. She wanted a few more minutes to sort out her thoughts until she talked with him. If Cece was coming over for dinner, Jess needed to confront Nick soon so as not to disrupt Schmidt's atmosphere. He would be livid if is honest attempt at romance was hindered.

.

Walking into her bedroom, Jess tripped on a box in the doorway. Two boxes, actually, stacked on top of one another, with a label that read California Vineyards. The boxes were heavy and clinked together as she lugged them onto her bed. Inside each box was a dozen bottles of blush wine, warm.

Nick. He had put an obscene amount of wine at her door to trip on? Confused, Jess marched back into the living room, yelling Nick's name. "Nick, what is the deal with the shipment of warm wine in my bedroom?"

Cece was at the front door, removing her jacket. Jess waved at her quickly. She didn't stop the track she was on. "Seriously, what's going on?"

Nick looked uncomfortably at her from his spot at the island, watching Schmidt dice tomatoes. "Why are you yelling?"

Why was she yelling? Jess pressed her forehead to her palm. She spoke truthfully: "_Because _I'm frustrated. I am so frustrated and confused and I just stubbed my toe on your stupid wine. What the hell is with the wine, Nick?"

Cece walked into the kitchen. Schmidt raised his finger to silence Jess. "I'm sorry, but could this explosion happen somewhere aside from the kitchen? Cecelia, this is not the atmosphere I wished you walked in on. I'm making veal, you see?"

Nick nodded. "I agree with Schmidt, let's not do this right now."

Jess was livid. "I'm sorry but let's do this right now. I am mad, okay? Does anyone care or understand that?"

"What's going on Jess? Is everything okay?" Cece asked.

"No! Thank you Cece, for asking. No I'm not okay." She slipped off her red ballet flat and showed Cece her slightly pink stubbed toe. "Look at this. Nick put a crapload of wine in my room, I hit it, and now he won't talk to me."

"Sweetie, what?"

"Jess, stop it." Nick flushed. "We don't have to talk about this right now."

"Oh my god, quit avoiding it. You avoid everything – ever. I won't take out the talking stick but for the love of god, throw me a bone and talk. Why did Maria refer to _me _as someone who _turned you down_? And who is _Maria_? And!" Jess was on a rampage. "Why didn't you tell me about her _before…_" She hushed her tone, "We had sex."

"Oh my god. Yup. This is the worst." Nick placed his hands over his face.

Simultaneously, Cece and Schmidt gasped and squealed "You had _sex_?"

Jess bit her lip. She had, perhaps, revealed information that was not supposed to be public knowledge. But she was mad and she was being avoided by Nick. If she was being reckless, he was being evasive, deceptive and cowardly. Jess was sick of being a coward about her feelings for Nick. She wanted to face them head on, and if he wasn't willing to do the same, she'd force it.

"Nick, my brother, grab a knife. Get to chopping. You can help me with this meal for - what has newly been revealed to me – your intimate romantic lady-friend Jess Day!"

"Schmidt, stop it." Nick put his hand up. "Jess, hallway."

"Do _not b_oss me around." Jess stomped her foot. "But yes, on my own will, I will meet you in the hallway. Schmidt, Cece, I'm sorry about this. Carry on."

.

Nick stood in the hallway, his arms crossed over his chest. He was biting his lip hard, perhaps deciding where to start, or perhaps wrestling with his own set of emotions. Jess matched his stance.

He began with a defensive: "What do you want from me, Jess?"

She retaliated with a sharp sigh. She told him she wanted him to be honest with her, and, somehow, Jess wasn't sure how, Nick was offended. He told her that the wine had been a shipment error at the bar. When he'd noticed it was two dozen bottles of blush wine, he'd thought to bring it home for Jess.

"I don't know anyone else who actually enjoys rose wine, so I thought, hey, Jess should have it."

"So that's it? You screwed up filling in an order sheet and gave me the leftovers? How thoughtful." Her sarcasm was biting. "Schmidt is in there making a six course meal of dead baby cow for a woman who won't go out with him in public and _you _give _me _loser wine that you deem unacceptable to drink yourself?"

"That's how you're taking that?"

"Well that's how it is, Nick! Come on!"

"I'm sorry, Jess, but I'm not Schmidt! Okay? I don't download the _Amelie _soundtrack and fry up some expensive beef and pretend to be all casa nova. Alright?"

They stood in silence, both furious and unsure of what to say. Jess eventually sighed. "Alright. And for the record, you don't get to do anything for me, or to me, in any capacity, any more. Okay?" She waved her hand in between them. "This – whatever it was – is not a thing anymore! No more gifts, no more looks, nothing!"

Nick frowned and rolled his eyes. "Buying you one goddamn book does not make us _anything._"

"Good!"

"Great!"

"I'm going inside." Jess slammed the door behind her.

.

Nick buying Jess a book did make them something. They knew it. They were something before Nick's online purchase of 29.99 at Amazon.

He had to show her just how big of a _something _they were. But before that could happen, they were soul-bearing honest and frustrated with one another. Frustrated with their feelings, frustrated with their situation, frustrated with the coarse road they'd had to follow to land them where they were on April 15, 2012.

_Tbc..._


	5. Chapter 5

The world's like a science

And I'm like a secret

And I saw you lingering still

It just wouldn't go away. It was there, always, perpetually, no matter what. Nick could be with Julia and every so often, his mind would drift to Jess. He could be with any number of anonymous babes on the internet and still, Jess. It was a rather consuming problem, something that ate at him constantly.

Jess was the same. It was a slow-burning romance, taking its time, lingering, until April 15 when one could not continue to deny their own happiness. For Jess, her happiness was Nick. She had tried to show that to him. She thought she saw it. Besides when they'd slept together, Jess saw it. It was truly in everything.

His facial reactions, his mannerisms, his conversation. It was in the way he'd reacted to her moving away for the summer; in the way that he'd reacted when she'd told him she'd always come home; in the way that so blatantly wanted her, despite Maria, when she'd knocked on his door to sleep with him.

It was a presence between the two of them; a connection that, through all circumstances, lingered.

.

_April 15, 2012_

It seemed like it was over. Jess had been mad and yesterday had been sad. She was at Cece's for dinner on the 15th, keeping as far away from the loft as possible. She was drained. She felt _literally _drained, like a pool of her emotion was puddled on the floor.

Just after dinner, Jess's phone rang with a new text message. She was sitting on the couch with Cece, dabbing a green tea bag into a cup of steaming hot water.

One new message from Winston.

_Hey Jess. Sink is broken, Nick is gone. Team needs you – and a bottle of Drain-o. You'd be a hero if you could get one. Potential flood happening. – W_

Rolling her eyes, Jess drank the first half of her scorching tea before heading home. Cece gave her a hug and an open invite to come back until Nick, to quote, "stopped being such a fucking asshole". Jess cringed at this but cheers'd her fist in forced agreement.

.

She stopped at the drug store on her way home. It was empty. Only a few shoppers wandering around under the fluorescent lighting, packing their baskets with Oxy Pads and toothpaste. Jess went straight to the home section, grabbed the first bottle of drain clog removal solution she saw, and went to the check out.

Luck would have it that Jess ran into Maria. Truly, ran right into her. Jess hadn't been looking where she was going. Maria was spraying two bottles of Febreeze in the aisle, smelling the air to see which scent she preferred.

"Oh my, sorry." Jess apologized for running into her.

Maria's eyes bugged out, presumably at the sight of Jess. "Nick's roommate?"

Jess shrugged sweetly. "Yup, that's me. Jess. Good to see you again, Maria, but I've got sort of a sink issue at home that needs remedying so… I'm sure I'll see you around the loft!" She started toward the check out, but Maria asking "What?" stopped Jess in her tracks.

"I'm not seeing Nick anymore." Maria shook her head with confusion. "We ended it…rather, he ended it a couple of days ago. I thought he would have told you."

Jess's stomach burst with a mix of excitement and anxiety. "No, he didn't."

Maria smiled softly, a truly good-natured smile. "Well, I'm sure it'll come up. The reason _why _can't go undiscussed between you two forever."

Jess didn't know how to respond. She smiled, softly, and shrugged again. Jess pointed to one of the bottles of Febreeze in Maria's hand. "Go with Tahitian Rose." She smiled. "Take care Maria."

.

What she was met with changed the dynamic of things. Forever, possibly. For right now, at least.

.

Schmidt, Winston and Nick were sitting around the island with beers in their hands. When Jess swung open the door, all three of them simultaneously shouted "Shit!" and Winston and Schmidt raced to Schmidt's bedroom.

"Wait, wait, wait." Nick hurried to the table and grabbed his iPod docking station.

_Bring It On Home To Me _by Sam Cooke played.

Jess's feet went cold.

Nick snapped his fingers to the music, trying to find a key to sing along in.

_If you ever change your mind_

_About leaving_

_Leaving me behind_

_Baby, bring it to me_

_Bring your sweet loving_

_Bring it on home to me_

His voice cracked. He stared at the ceiling, trying to remember the words. He skipped lyrics and was not in time with song.

"What in god's name are you doing, Nick?"

"Showing you my feelings in a grand, romantic way. Is that not coming across?"

Jess frowned.

"You're frowning? Why?"

"_Ugh, Nick_." Jess dropped the Drain-o on the floor and went to her bedroom. "You can't just _do that._"

.

_Bring It On Home To Me _was playing on repeat, playing in a loop. Jess lay on her bed, her hand on her forehead. She was frustrated beyond words. She wanted to sort things out in her head.

Nick came into her bedroom after the fourth time the song played. He sat on the edge of Jess's bed and tried handing her a hot pink plastic bottle. "Here, I got you bubbles, too."

Jess stayed sprawled out on her bed, her hands covering her face.

"I'm sorry, Jess. I don't know what I'm doing."

She stayed silent.

"I don't know how to do _this._" He inhaled deeply. "I don't mean to avoid you. This whole thing is so screwed up. I should have told you about Maria. That's obviously over, by the way."

Jess spoke through her hands on her face. "Yeah, I know, I saw her at the drug store."

"Ah."

Nick unscrewed the lid on the bubbles, dipped the wand in the soap, and blew. "I don't really know where to go from here. I thought the song would work." He popped one of the bubbles with his hands. "I like you, Jess. I really, really have feelings for you."

Jess peeked through her fingers.

He blew more bubbles. "I mean, I don't know, I guess that's really what it comes down to. This whole process has been so weird, you know? But the truth really is that I want to be with you. I know that's complicated and probably kind of weird, and I know that I have given you no reason to believe that I would be a good boyfriend, but I would be."

Jess uncovered her face.

He looked at Jess. "Oh you're listening? Ok, good."

Jess cracked with laughter.

This was it. This was perfect. This was what it was: upfront honesty.

"You're so nice to everyone, all the time." Nick swirled the wand around in the soap. He looked over at her, smiling shyly. "That's pretty cool."

"Pretty cool, huh?"

Nick laughed and looked at her with that same look of longing and want that he'd given her all year. This time, it was unfiltered and unabashed. "Yeah."

Jess took the bottle of bubbles from his hand and blew a stream of bubbles across the room. "So you want to be my boyfriend?"

Smiling and chuckling, Nick nodded with a bit lip. "Yeah, Jess, I want to be your boyfriend." He looked over at her again.

"Well alright then."

.

June 15, 2012. Two months into their relationship. Over veggie dogs and a game of travel Guess-Who in the park on a Sunday, Jess told Nick that she loved him. As it turned out, Nick said, he loved her, too.

_Fin. _


End file.
